Thursday, March 10, 2005

GOP Time Travelers Attempt To Influence 1936 Election

Thanks to the tireless pursuits of internet "bloggers" a devious plot to influence the course of the 1936 presidential election has been uncovered. Phase one of the plan was initiated on Fox News by so-called newsman Brit Hume (GOP code-name: "The Mumble Monkey") on his cable television show. Hume's deliberate distortion of FDR's statements on Social Security provided the basis for a GOP plan to travel back to 1936 and boost the campaign of Alf Landon.

"This was a stroke of genius," stated one Republican booster, "It gave us the perfect opportunity to label FDR a flip-flopper!"

Working under the aegis of the High Energy Physics Group at the University of Texas at Arlington (you really thought Bush was working for the Rangers?? Grow up!) the GOP perfected time travel only in the last year.

"We've only done small trial runs to this point," stated another anonymous Republican involved. "We brought back a modern word processor to the 1970's and let them use it in a Texas National Guard office for a day, but that is small potatoes compared to what were planning to do next."

During the present historical timeline Franklin Roosevelt punished Republican presidential candidate Alf Landon by a whopping 11 million votes. But Republican operatives believe they could have dramatically altered that timeline.

The Dastardly Landon.

"C'mon! We would have shown up in 1936 from the future with proof that FDR was a no good lying prevaricating huckster! His campaign would have floundered from there."

"Damn those bloggers!", she added in a rising state of fury.

The ever increasing din of those calling for the resignation of Brit Hume shows no sign of abating.

"Well you see, man," explained proto neo-beat Oliver Willis, "We just can't, you know man, handle cats that would attribute things to people without the proper contextualization. Can you dig it?" Yes, we can dig it.

When told of the exacts lengths that the Republicans were willing to go in their time travel scheme Willis responded with a heartfelt "That's far out man! Would you like to see my etchings?"

Would you like to see my etchings, indeed.

Carry on the good fight brave soldier.

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